"That old nest of negativism followed me everywhere I went"

The 12 Steps as seen through the eyes of one Addict

Hi I’m an Addict and my name is Keir. Step 5. We admitted to God, to ourselves. And to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Oh boy, here we go again! I must have messed up REAL BAD!! So far I’ve had to admit I’m powerless, that I was (probably still am in some ways) insane (or at least my actions were), had to let go of any illusions of control (no matter how bad I felt I needed/had to have it), and take a deep and HONEST look at myself. Now I’ve got to share where I screwed up with someone else!!!  And I’m not even halfway through this shite yet. Man oh man, thank God millions of addicts have come before me and shown me that it works!! Just like step 4, what we’re looking at here is the NATURE of our wrongs. We don’t want to ramble on about every sick thing we’ve ever done. It is a great relief though, to let out some of our deepest secrets, no matter how scared we are to do it. There is not very much that’s near as great a deal after it’s shared, as it is inside the overworked, self-centred labyrinth of an addicts mind (that includes the obsession to use!!). It’s a great relief to finally put into proper perspective some of the mole hills we’ve made intricate, multi-dimensional, mountains of. There is not one fear, EVER, since I’ve been in recovery, that I didn’t feel better, usually much better, about after having found the courage to walk through to the other side. I have found that the main focus of progress, is finding the courage to walk through one crazy, built up fear after another. This is why I feel that the first year is called a gift. We have somehow become a broad collection of twisted, self-centred fears that have wrapped themselves around our true spirit, and love for life, and we must slowly disentangle ourselves from the insanity of our own fears. Again, we are sharing about our negative patterns of behaviour with family, friends, partners, authority figures, and institutions. Page 48 of the step guide states “finding the common thread in our own patterns will lead us right to the exact nature of our wrongs” These are patterns that have developed over years, based on a mistaken fear that we had to manipulate, and control everything important to us, or we would lose it. I could not even honestly communicate with any of my various girlfriends my true feelings, because I actually feared that if I did, she would leave me I was in Portland Oregon when I did this step the first time. I was on a mission from the moment I got there. I had all my fourth step notes carefully tucked away, and I was gonna find me a Sponsor. I found a real cool guy. He used to be a hit man back in the day, but that was then, and now he is a loving, caring, beautiful person. Anyway, we sat down at his place for about four, or five hours while I poured out everything I had. It was great. I remember that it was Thanksgiving day in the US. I could tell because everyone in the city was running around with turkeys and stuff all day, going from house to house. Anyway, he just sat and listened, commenting here and there where he thought appropriate. What a relief it was!! He had me start reading step 6 right away, so that I would keep my focus, but I’ll never forget doing my first step 5. I floated for about 6-8 months. It was incredible. I could do no wrong. I got up every day feeling amazing. I would tell myself day after day, that this was f*%$ing amazing. It did slowly wear off, and I had to start to pick up the pace again, but man oh man, I’ll tell you guys, this stuff works. Man oh man does it ever work. One step forwards, half a step backwards, half a step forwards, half a step backwards, One step forward ……

For The Newcomer

You don’t have to be clean when you get here, but after your first meeting we suggest that you keep coming back and come clean. You don’t have to wait for an overdose or jail sentence to get help from NA, nor is addiction a hopeless condition from which there is no recovery. It is possible to overcome the desire to use drugs with the help of the Twelve Steps Program of Narcotics Anonymous and the fellowship of recovering Addicts. Addiction is a disease that can happen to anyone. Some of us used drugs because we enjoyed them, while others used to suppress the feelings we already had. Still others suffered from physical or mental ailments and became addicted to the medication prescribed during our illnesses. Some of us joined the crowd using drugs a few times just to be cool and later found that we could not stop.

Addiction is a progressive disease such as diabetes. We are allergic to drugs. Our ends are always the same: jails, institutions, or death. If life has become unmanageable and you want to live without it being necessary to use drugs, we have found a way. We use the Twelve Steps of Narcotics Anonymous on a daily basis to help us overcome our disease. Recovery doesn’t stop with just being clean. As we abstain from all drugs (and yes, this means alcohol and marijuana too) we come face to face with feelings that we have never coped with successfully. We even experience feelings we were not capable of having in the past. We must become willing to meet old and new feelings as they come. We learn to experience feelings and realize they can do us no harm unless we act on them. Rather than acting on them, we call an NA member if we have a feeling we cannot handle. By sharing, we learn to work through it. Chances are they’ve had a similar experience and can relate what worked for them. Remember, an addict alone is in bad company. The Twelve Steps, new friends, and sponsors all help us deal with these feelings.

In NA our joys are multiplied by sharing good days; our sorrows are lessened by sharing the bad. For the first time in our lives we don’t have to experience anything alone. Now that we have a group, we are able to develop a relationship with a Higher Power that can always be with us. We suggest that you look for a Sponsor as soon as you become acquainted with the members in your area. Being asked to sponsor a new member is a privilege so don’t hesitate to ask someone. Sponsorship is a rewarding experience for both; we are all here to help and be helped. We who are recovering must share with you what we have learned in order to maintain our growth in the NA Program and our ability to function without drugs.

This program offers hope. All you have to bring with you is the desire to stop using and the willingness to try this new way of life. Come to meetings, listen with an open mind, ask questions, get phone numbers and use them. Stay clean just for today.

Jails, Institutions, and ...?

Hello, my name is Mike and I just received my 2 year medallion and I'm writing this story from my bedroom at a psyche ward. On the outside you might think I have an easy life- I've got a lot of friends, I've got a great career, and a nice truck. But those who know me best know that my disease is in high gear lately in many different ways. For many years I used drugs and alcohol to self medicate from the mental deficiencies that I struggle with from time to time. My mind races and I sometimes obsess over the stupidest things. I recently came under a lot of stress and found myself considering using and thusly killing myself. Instead of doing so I went somewhere safe where I could learn about this disease that has enveloped my whole being. When doing the readings we say "jails, institutions and death" and I just say death now because I've already done the first 2 and death is the next stop for this addict should I not get the help I need. I'm writing this to let other men and women in the fellowship know that no matter what staying clean has to be our first priority or else. I chose to be here and I'm gonna make the most of it because I wanna live. I love you all and wish you another 24!

PS. Your spirit wants you as bad as your disease does so keep fighting.

Mike